Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.

They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and  drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the 
look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties...". The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read,

"We will never forget you".

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Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" 

The woman shakes her head, no. 

"Kin ya breathe?"         

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. 

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion.

The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick

maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.

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The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him. 

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."

The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in Your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

* No taxes.
* No debt.
* Plenty buffalo
* Plenty beaver
* Women did the work
* Medicine man free
* Indian men hunted and fished all the time."

The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

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As a TEXAN I thought I would share a few of the things I have learned in my 30 years of living in this Heaven on Earth located South of the Red River and North of the Rio Grande. I can personally attest to the following points as being true:

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A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.

The note reads:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it reads:

"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. SO JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

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Why Men Pee Standing Up

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease!  Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited.   He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it." "What's it called?" Eve asked.

"Brains" God said.

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Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. 

He said "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here -- try these on.' So, she did, and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' 

And ever since that night, we've never had any problems." 

"Hmmm," said Jack. He thought over his father's advice for several days. 

On his honeymoon, Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here try these on." She did and said, "These are too large, Jack. They don't fit me." Jack said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." 

Then Jill took off her pants, handed them to Jack and said, "Here, you try on mine." He did, and said, "I can't get into your pants." Jill said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

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I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this....A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

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More Coming.......